30 days of me

"No creature is fully itself till it is, like the dandelion, opened in the bloom of pure relationship to the sun, the entire living cosmos." - D.H. Lawrence

I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I have grown up, grown masks, and grown fearful. I have enjoyed poking fun at others and myself the last few months with my dating experiences but realize now its time to get real. Would I date myself? I'm not sure.

So I am going to give it try. Sure I might amuse a few coffee dates here and there - surely I don't need to be that exclusive with myself.

I am exhausted and barely have the energy to muster for a quick conversation. Suffice it to say that after my daughter clogged the toilet with putting way too much toilet paper in it and the resulting mess that ensued, plus the tantrum she threw at a neighbors house which included hitting me that the last thing I would be tonight is "happy".

Ok so we all have our bad days no judgement here. I am pretty proud that I did use the plunger all by myself and solved the plumbing issue. At least I am industrious.....

Date one - cancelled, too tired.

Lunching with losers

I like losers. There I said it. Ahhh I feel so much better now. I like losers. God help me - I really like losers.

I am hoping to change this behavior in the new year. Last week I had a few teary conversations with my mom discussing feeling lonely over the holidays and so my mom and I sat down and went through the online selection.

She found a guy that we both could agree on. Cute. Check. Smart. Check. Financially stable. Check. I started to talk to Mr. Magnificent on the phone and I was hooked. He was brilliant, witty, quick, and deep. We have gone out three times and I the only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure about him.

Mom has tried to use reverse psychology on me "He's obviously too smart for you and will probably become disinterested soon." Even her verbal challenge didn't push me into his open arms. Don't get me wrong Mr. Magnificent might be all wrong or he might be all right.

So this frog is going to be put through a new series of challenges. I am going to take things really slow. I mean super slow. A set of rules I am hoping will protect me until his true colors come out or I can lose my loser tendencies.

I really hope that the good guy wins.

The Profile - Oh please no!

So one of my dearest friends was the catalyst of getting me online and we have had some laughs, I mean real laughs. Some of these profiles have just been too funny. Together we have created our list of the Untouchables....

1. Refers to himself in the 3rd person "Mark really loves to surf"

2. Pictures of himself wearing sunglasses indoors and/or its dark outside

3. Pictures of him wearing jean shorts or shiny shirts

4. Pictures of him without a shirt on unless he's at the beach, but even then.

5. A picture of your cat

6. More than one picture of your cat

7. More than one picture of your dog

8. Pictures of you with your ex-girlfriend, pictures of you with other women at bars, pictures of you with slutty women well anywhere

9. Pictures of your motorcycle (God forbid a vespa - please see deal breakers post)

10. Pictures of you in your car, worse yet a picture of just your car

11. Lots of pictures of places you have been, but only a few shots of you from afar

12. Pictures of you in your "dad jeans" -trust me just like mom jeans they exist

13. If you write "I work hard and play hard" - really? Do you? come on

14. Any of the above plus writing I love to travel. What you mean you don't want to stay indoors alone for the rest of you single life. Huh? That's really different!

O' Shamed!

"The only shame is to have none." - Blaise Pascal.

I have plenty of reasons to be embarrassed about my last boyfriend, Mr. O'Shamed as he is now called. I allowed myself to question and doubt who I was and my self worth because of his behavior.

I am not ashamed of the fact I dated a man who lived in West Virginia, nor based on the fact he has almost half a dozen kids, or even the fact he has bill collectors hounding him. I am ashamed that I allowed him to make me feel that I was not worthy.

I made excuses for the fact he didn't call when he said he would, I made excuses for the fact his stories seemed questionable. I made excuses for the fact he would cancel plans or arrive late. I wanted to believe him - in fact, in some ways I do believe him. He has 5 kids of course he can't call me. He lives in West Virginia of course he is late or can't make it. He is finalizing his divorce of course he has having financial difficulties.

Regardless, in the beginning of a relationship that should be when you feel like you are floating above the clouds, things are easy, and the biggest question you have is sushi or thai?

I am not ashamed to say - I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone over the holidays. I am afraid of losing someone I thought had potential.

My image of Mr. O'Shame was a doting father in the middle of a bad situation that was bound to turnaround. Do I think he didn't choose me? In some ways. Truth is it doesn't matter if he stopped acting the way he did in the beginning because he stopped liking me or his true colors came out. What does matter is that I no longer have anything to be O'Shamed of.

I think about the late car payments that caused bill collectors to fill his voicemail.... and then I remember this sign at a car dealership... "The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. " At least he's on his way...

Walkin on.

One Month Stand

From urban dictionary "when you see someone for a couple of weeks or months, and when it turns out that the person is really into you, you realize you have absolutely no feelings for her/him... involves terrible moral hangover and everybody thinking you as an idiot."

Well, my dad recently said to my mom that I have a string of one month stands.... In true mother like fashion she looked at me as she said this waiting for my reaction.

I laughed. I couldn't help but laugh. It was so true. Since my separation I couldn't hold down a relationship for more than a few months. Some were decisions on my end and others I had no control over.

No matter how many times it didn't work out I saw the end way before it actually took place. When Summer Breeze broke my heart I knew it wasn't right -- there was something gone, something missing... But the ego gets involved. He didn't like me, he didn't choose me... hello? Long before that decision was made questions were raised and there was already the knowledge that the relationship was doomed.

We have heard the saying life is too short... and I agree life is too short. Life is too short not to risk falling in love or giving something your all. But life is too long to live unhappy and accept the unacceptable.

So maybe that is what happens in the one month stand someone realizes that there partner is just a place holder and the need to move on is evident and why waste any more time? Or is that we have become a culture that is so used to getting everything they want that the idea of having to work at something is just too much to handle?

A pearl is formed when a potentially threatening irritant or parasite moves into the shell of a mollusk and it builds this seal, pearl, over time. A natural pearl is a very rare gem. Maybe every place holder is there to shape us into our own natural pearl. So each oyster tells its own journey through the pearl, my hope is that my place holders are the pearl to my prince charming.

"It's complicated"

Taking his relationship status from facebook "it's complicated" sums it all up.

Let me just take a moment and an entire blog post to make fun of myself.

God knows that when I dated a man with a hairy back -- the first guy I dated after my separation -- my friends wondered what in the hell I saw in him. Then there came the man who could have sold me beach front property in Kansas - I even stayed with him for a month after I found out he had a secret love child with his ex-wife's nanny. Yup you heard me right. Then came summer breeze and Lord knows from his nipple rings to his red vespa and his reputation for being a player that should have been enough for me to hang up the phone when he called for his first date. But each one of these men played a part into teaching me valid life lessons.

Ok so now there is my new boyfriend. I have been dating him for a month. He has two biological children, 3 step-children, 2 dogs, and 3 cats and he lives in West Virginia. I have several friends literally say "this is all bad news". Have I stopped dating him? nope. Do I want to stop dating him? Nope. Is there something wrong with me? More than likely.

Do I like the "it's complicated"? Do I like drama? Do I like unavailable men who I can make available? Is this a common theme just for me? I mean we all know we have heard about the chase and the man who comes in with the white horse, maybe I am the type who wants to tame stray animals.

"Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself."

Someone help!

Still believe in Santa Claus

Maybe I still want to be that kid at heart.... the one that can still believe.

I think there is a place in all of us that wants to live in a world of make believe. A place where Santa Claus does exist. A place where there are always happy endings... a place where my prince charming does exist.

These beliefs leave me very vulnerable indeed though. I met a man a little over three weeks ago. He was kind and sweet and very, very handsome. He had almost everything I was looking for - or did he? I think on some level the little girl in me wanted to believe. Wanted to believe every word he said.

Every time he gave me reason to take pause he had some excuse and I believed. Why was he always checking his phone? Work of course. Why was he hiding me from his friends? It would upset he ex.

The truth is I don't know what the truth is... but if the relationship stops feeling like a fairy tale maybe it never was.