Not like tofu

One of my friends once said of her past relationships, "I was like tofu. I could take on whatever flavor I was around."

I was like that for a bit too. I wanted so badly to be in a relationship. I wanted to be with some "body". It was almost as if I didn't care who was next to me as long as there was just a body next to me. At some point during my re-entry to dating I realized I too was not so different from my friend. In fact, maybe her telling me this was her way of pointing out our similarities. She is happily remarried and fully her own self now.

My daughter had an accident a little over a month ago. I stood alone at the ER. I alone held my daughter as she was put to sleep and had to be restrained by four grown adults. I alone held my writhing daughter as the anesthesia wore off and she cried from confusion and shear pain from her surgery. I was in shock on many levels but as it wore off I remember having a conversation with a friend and saying, "I don't need any "body". I don't want to be with some "body". " I finally realized my own strength and will power not only as a mother but as a woman. Too often women and maybe men (although I am not privy to their conversations), women tend to speak like we need a man. I own my own home. I own my own business. I cook, I clean, and most importantly I am a pretty good mother. My daughter's accident was a turning point in my life. It finally clicked how truly blessed I was and how truly blessed someone else would be to share in my life.

The irony is that it was right before my daughter's accident that I had gone out with Artist for the first time. I got the feeling that he was not that into me and therefore I remember just kind of letting the ball drop with regards to getting back in touch with him. It wasn't until I saw him at a dinner party and he invited me to lunch that I realized there was more there.

After spending two consecutive amazing weekends with him and relishing in being myself. My true self. Not only that but my parents and daughter being a witness to it and saying that they had missed me. I have decided to take a break from writing about my personal dating life for the time being. I want to be able to truly enjoy myself without thinking about how I could turn a situation into a blog. I just want to live it.

So I am sure I will continue to be back here writing about aspects of dating but I am not sure what direction this will be heading.... the flavor is definitely changing.... maybe like tofu.

Rules of the Game

"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." - Albert Einstein

So I came down with a nasty cold that kept me from taking a trip out of town. However, as luck would have it I think it was the best thing that could have happened. I was able to get a lot down around my house and spend some quality time with Artist. On Thursday night we stayed in, Friday night we went out for a date in the city, and Saturday we played squash and he took me to a dinner to meet his best friend. Sunday was a day filled with lots of leisure a late breakfast, tennis, lunch outdoors, followed by throwing the football around and right before my departure we looked at the calendar to make plans.

After spending 3 nights in a row with him and the fact we looked at the calendar you would think my confidence level for where this relationship is headed would be through the roof. Instead I wonder where the hell his head is. I used to consider myself a decent tennis player. He killed me. Three straight sets 6-0. In tennis, like most sports, to be really good you have to have focus, keep your eye on the ball, and never let your opponent get in your head. Relationships are similar. Generally speaking the game comes from worrying and wondering what the other person is doing and why. Or it could just be me. I tend to over-analyze. Why would he would say a certain thing, or what a certain action means and then I allow it to effect my response. Or is that what a good player does -- react to the opponent?

So herein lies the problem how can one learn the rules of the game in relationships when they are constantly shifting? It is almost as if no one is really ever playing the same game. In fact, one of my best guy friends said "Don't over-analyze. Don't look for something wrong. You always do that." Maybe he's right. I tend to size up my guys and pick them apart. Sure the Artist doesn't like to call a lot. Is it just me? Did he call old girlfriends? Maybe introducing someone he is dating to his friends isn't a big deal... you see my mind starts to analyze.

Maybe instead of looking at post-game tapes or dates in this case. I need to be on the high of a winning streak and keep doing what I am doing because right now its working. As for the rules of the game. If you know them - let me know.