And They're Off

So my pony race was over before it began and I have to admit I am thankful that I didn't get too involved. I knew from the beginning I was trotting down the wrong path and luckily I was thrown off before it was too late.

Pony was supposed to come over for dinner on Wednesday night and he texted me to let me know that he wasn't going to come after all. He was still in love with his girlfriend. Oh and by the way he broke up with his girlfriend between my last post and this post... So what is that a whole 3 or so days. I am sure he has no trouble committing either to a decision or a woman - ha!

I have thought a lot about my role and I read a quote it said "I would rather have guilt than regret." It really rang true for me. There was this part of me that wanted to explore a path with the Pony. He was young, vibrant, active, and smitten. He was looking for something he had never had before and I was like the forbidden fruit. Although, I came in a very odd package for a man of 26 years - a single mom, 5 years older.

I was married already at 26 and talking about having a baby with my wasband. I remember thinking all of the same things as Pony. That I had found my love, even though I was constantly recognizing and enjoying connections with other men. I was never brave enough to walk away. I was never aware enough to realize that just because you don't know any different doesn't mean it is the right thing. I am thankful for my daughter and therefore my decision to stay with my wasband but never again will I make the same mistake. If that means I choose uncertainty over secure and comfortable, so be it.

I hope that Pony has found his soul mate. I hope that Pony is happy. It's what we all want. I am not even close to being mad at him. In fact, I am thankful for what he gave me. A tighter leaner body and more confidence than I had before I met him.

Osho wrote, "The more alive the person, the more problems there are. But there is nothing wrong in it because struggling with problems, fighting with the challenge is how you grow." Here I am on my own, still, but I stand tall. I am not sad or forlorn. I am happy and hopeful. I will not compromise my values again. Lesson learned. Thank you Pony.

Side dish? I don't think so

Lately, it seems I am choosing to make life difficult. This time I am at least aware of the thin line I walk. My pony, aka baby face, or trainer is taking a larger role than I had originally anticipated.

Sure he is everything I hoped for a reminder that I am not that old, that being a mom doesn't mean I can't still be fun, and last but not least this body can still compete with the 20 year olds. However, he unexpectly is showing signs of maturity and I think likes me for completely different reasons. He is curious as to who I am, what I think about, life, the journey; I mean he is showing signs of potential. God help me I think I am starting to like him.

But and I do mean BUT the issues I may have brushed over are a little larger than I may have even admitted to myself. He has a girlfriend. A live-in girlfriend. His heart is still with this woman in some way. Not that it wasn't already obvious when he brought over leftover crab cakes from his Valentines with her; however, I am not leftover material. Nor am I the type of woman who values a man or myself that would walk this thin line. I mean its one thing to go out with a pony but with a rider already?

So what am I doing? Am I losing sight of all the horses by hiding in some stall while he lives his real life with someone else? Or is fun and silly and going nowhere what I need? Maybe this should be the manual for all daters. Date someone who is unavailable and you know can't possibly work out and it takes out all the head drama and all you're left with is living in the moment enjoying the pleasure for what it is and not worrying about what it will be.

All of that being said... left overs or side dish? I think not. If there is one thing I am realizing through this blog is that I am way better than that...

I want to be the main and only course.

Puma. Just do it!

Plans cannot withstand the enemy as I have heard it said. I thought I had it all worked out. An older, established man that thought I hung the moon was what I was looking for. Instead it seems soon I may be holding an official puma card. I am too young to be a cougar and Baby Face is only 5 years younger so lets go with Puma. Look I am already making excuses - old habits die hard right?

So it all started off as friendly flirting, until yesterday. After a heart pumping workout session with Baby Face - yes he's my personal trainer- I received this text "Going to have to play a lot of basketball to get rid of all this sexual tension" I have to admit I was surprised and flattered all at the same time. I responded in kind and here I am back in the saddle except this time I am on a pony.

So he is younger but he seems like he has it mostly together. He has property, he is witty, he is active and he isn't afraid of a single mom. Sure he comes with a few small problems but I am sure those will work themselves out on his own.

In the wild the Puma would probably have already pounced but I am a little nervous - I have never dated anyone younger.... but it may just be one time around the carousel.