March Madness... it's in the air

Basketball. "This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators." - Dick Vertleib

My dad and I picked Kansas to win in our bracket. Kansas lost - highly unexpected. There have been a lot of upsets this tournament; however, I have to admit I love it when the underdog wins. This is one of the few times I don't mind the term "cinderella story".

It got me thinking why do I choose certain teams over others? I don't always choose the team with the best stats or players but I often pick a team based on city alone or the fact I like their jerseys. I pretty much pick men the same way. So what is the right way to do it? Examine statistics? Look at past history? I have seen a basketball game get turned around in the last seconds and a top seed lose to the underdog so it just goes to show you that on any given day you never know who will win or who will lose. That should make me feel better because even with all the right information you can still get it wrong. But I have also felt the losing. It hurts.

When I watch basketball games I get excited for a 3 pointer that was shot at a time when most people would let the clock count down. That type of shot takes guts. A good block excites me too. It's all in the timing - much like relationships.

With regards to my dating life I usually sit back and let the clock tick down. I wait for phone calls. I wait for him to text or email first. I play it safe. Watching all of these underdogs defeat top seeds and take ballsy shots has lit a fire in me. I have been calling the Artist and I don't really care. The game only matters if you are set on the result but this time I'm not. Am I chasing him? Some might think so.

But the truth is I am tired of the game so I am just going to play to play - win or lose - at least I am in the game.

Fire or Water?

When hydrogen and oxygen meet depending on the environment they meet in; it can either create water or fire. If hydrogen and oxygen meet and there is a spark it causes a fire or an explosion and all the energy is lost in that second... whereas if hydrogen and oxygen meet and there is not a spark it creates water, a much stable and sustainable molecule.

Much like yoga... I tend to love fire and heat in my relationships. However, I am recognizing in my practice I build into that heat by warming my body through sun salutations. Allowing both my mind and body to get on board with the spirit.

In my relationships I tend to think if there isn't this explosion or spark that I'm in the wrong relationship. That the guy doesn't like me enough or I don't like him enough. However, that type of relationship dies so quickly. Or at least it has in the past. I have started dating an artist. He is extremely funny, handsome, mature, athletic, smart, and very talented. We have been dating on and off for about a month. (Yes he overlapped with Pony). But after each date it would always go at least a few days if not a week without any contact from him. I took this for disinterest on his part. However, now I am not so sure.

Things are starting to heat up after a slow build. He is coming over on Thursday and that will be our third date in one week. I am making him creme brulee and the irony isn't lost on me. Creme brulee has a cool consistency and then using a hot flame the top is heated just enough. It is not too far from our relationship. We are cool but consistent and there is just enough heat for interest to remain.

However, my doubts remain. I think most of us crave hot and heavy. That feeling of being wanted and needed but is it sustainable? Water is a powerful force. It can be much more powerful than fire. In addition, water is fluid it moves. Maybe it is me that needs to be a little more fluid. My expectations could be too high and I am not sure that I should make assumptions based on the amount of time he wants to spend with me or the amount of phone calls I get.

I could question this all night instead I am going to follow this proverb, "Don't empty the water jar until the rain falls."

I hope it doesn't rain.

One foot in front of the other

The past does not hold us... we hold it.

Pony is so lost. Many of friends who have weighed in have had a similar experience at some point in their lives. We have all been in his shoes. Paralyzed with fear. We feel like we can't move forward so we just do nothing. Unfortunately, by doing nothing there is something that happens and life starts to pass us by. Instead of fear of what will happen, we will have to accept that we are getting less than what we settled for.

Pony and I have been in contact while he was away. After reading some of his journal writings he emailed me I was touched by the words and impressed with his writing, but I realized that I was still enabling him to have an emotional affair. I pointed it out and he agreed. He said he thought that I didn't want to walk away because he knows I don't want to miss out on the possibility. He's right. I don't want to walk away because there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is something real, something worthy of my time. I can't say he has all the qualities I normally look for and yet I still stick around. There is something different about him. Our connection is easy, organic, and very real. However, if I don't let go than I can't move forward either.

Pony's decision is important but I can't wait for it and I shouldn't. I know that having a friendship with him is enough for now. If by chance he comes around and I am still interested then it was meant to be.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse