Click, wink or email?

I have been trying to figure out if online dating is really for me. It has given me some fun diversions, a few good leads, but more often than not it leaves me feeling judged.

The way it works on the particular website I subscribe to is that you can see who viewed you, winked at you and hopefully who emails you. Recently, I saw a really attractive man who viewed me and I wrote him an email. He responded. We exchanged a few emails until ultimately the last one I received he was leaving for a trip. This insane website lets you know when someone has been online... and this said man has been online several occasions and never wrote back.

So what is left... I sit here and I question was the email I responded with too forward, too desperate, am I not pretty enough, what could I have done differently? How is it that I found a way to take personally the most impersonal way of dating. Sadly we never even met so how can I take it personally? Leave it to me to find a way.

I am trying to find my place in this dating world and struggling. Putting my pictures out there and a few short lines and having someone judge me on those doesn't work for me. I am happy for those that find love but for me I can't do it anymore.

I never would have planned to be in my 30s with a daughter and trying to find love... but here I am. I listen to the words of Joseph Campbell and try to live them.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that's been waiting for us."

When down, look up

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."

I went to NYC to do some yoga with my favorite yoga teacher and kirtan band. It happened to coincide with my birthday. It felt like the perfect getaway at just the right time.

I have been bored to tears lately with my love life. Going to New York made me fall in love with myself and my yoga practice that I haven't felt for so long.

It brought me back to a place where I felt renewed, happy, and truly content. At the end of every practice I felt worked. Worked spiritually and physically.

I came home and was a little disappointed. I knew that I spoiled myself with 4 hours of yoga a day without worrying about where or what I was going to do with my little love. It is hard to make time for myself at home. Whether for dates, friends, or more importantly myself. This trip made me realize how truly essential it is to sit and be still and be happy with ourselves.

So as I sat at my kitchen table waiting for my daughter to get dropped back home I felt a sense of sadness, I felt a little down. I looked up at the beautiful new light my parents had installed for me and felt lighter already.

It reminded me when down to look up that's the only place to find light.

Not so Mr. Magnificent

Well, it seems I already cheated on myself. I had a free night because my daughter spent the night with my mom and so Mr. Magnificent called and wanted to go to a fancy dinner. I offered yoga and a more local restaurant. He agreed.

Talking to Mr. Magnificent on the phone is great but when I see him I just can't get into him. I notice that he keeps his finger nails on his right hand long because he plays classical guitar, I notice that one of his eyebrow hairs is way too long, and I notice that his bottom lip seems cracked and dry. I feel awful saying this because it all seems so superficial. Did the pictures of himself online set us up for failure? I have to admit I was expecting far more than I got.

However, I am convinced that it has more to do with his personality. During dinner he looks across the table half hour into a story that I could barely follow.

"Are you ok? Your eyes look big and are getting glazed over."

Me, "Oh really. I guess I'm just tired." Bored to tears isn't just an expression. Imagine that. The sad part is it took him half an hour to realize this. He was too busy talking about how great he is blah blah blah.

So what did I learn from this date? Cheating on myself was not worth it.

30 days of me

"No creature is fully itself till it is, like the dandelion, opened in the bloom of pure relationship to the sun, the entire living cosmos." - D.H. Lawrence

I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I have grown up, grown masks, and grown fearful. I have enjoyed poking fun at others and myself the last few months with my dating experiences but realize now its time to get real. Would I date myself? I'm not sure.

So I am going to give it try. Sure I might amuse a few coffee dates here and there - surely I don't need to be that exclusive with myself.

I am exhausted and barely have the energy to muster for a quick conversation. Suffice it to say that after my daughter clogged the toilet with putting way too much toilet paper in it and the resulting mess that ensued, plus the tantrum she threw at a neighbors house which included hitting me that the last thing I would be tonight is "happy".

Ok so we all have our bad days no judgement here. I am pretty proud that I did use the plunger all by myself and solved the plumbing issue. At least I am industrious.....

Date one - cancelled, too tired.

Lunching with losers

I like losers. There I said it. Ahhh I feel so much better now. I like losers. God help me - I really like losers.

I am hoping to change this behavior in the new year. Last week I had a few teary conversations with my mom discussing feeling lonely over the holidays and so my mom and I sat down and went through the online selection.

She found a guy that we both could agree on. Cute. Check. Smart. Check. Financially stable. Check. I started to talk to Mr. Magnificent on the phone and I was hooked. He was brilliant, witty, quick, and deep. We have gone out three times and I the only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure about him.

Mom has tried to use reverse psychology on me "He's obviously too smart for you and will probably become disinterested soon." Even her verbal challenge didn't push me into his open arms. Don't get me wrong Mr. Magnificent might be all wrong or he might be all right.

So this frog is going to be put through a new series of challenges. I am going to take things really slow. I mean super slow. A set of rules I am hoping will protect me until his true colors come out or I can lose my loser tendencies.

I really hope that the good guy wins.