O' Shamed!

"The only shame is to have none." - Blaise Pascal.

I have plenty of reasons to be embarrassed about my last boyfriend, Mr. O'Shamed as he is now called. I allowed myself to question and doubt who I was and my self worth because of his behavior.

I am not ashamed of the fact I dated a man who lived in West Virginia, nor based on the fact he has almost half a dozen kids, or even the fact he has bill collectors hounding him. I am ashamed that I allowed him to make me feel that I was not worthy.

I made excuses for the fact he didn't call when he said he would, I made excuses for the fact his stories seemed questionable. I made excuses for the fact he would cancel plans or arrive late. I wanted to believe him - in fact, in some ways I do believe him. He has 5 kids of course he can't call me. He lives in West Virginia of course he is late or can't make it. He is finalizing his divorce of course he has having financial difficulties.

Regardless, in the beginning of a relationship that should be when you feel like you are floating above the clouds, things are easy, and the biggest question you have is sushi or thai?

I am not ashamed to say - I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone over the holidays. I am afraid of losing someone I thought had potential.

My image of Mr. O'Shame was a doting father in the middle of a bad situation that was bound to turnaround. Do I think he didn't choose me? In some ways. Truth is it doesn't matter if he stopped acting the way he did in the beginning because he stopped liking me or his true colors came out. What does matter is that I no longer have anything to be O'Shamed of.

I think about the late car payments that caused bill collectors to fill his voicemail.... and then I remember this sign at a car dealership... "The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. " At least he's on his way...

Walkin on.