Not like tofu

One of my friends once said of her past relationships, "I was like tofu. I could take on whatever flavor I was around."

I was like that for a bit too. I wanted so badly to be in a relationship. I wanted to be with some "body". It was almost as if I didn't care who was next to me as long as there was just a body next to me. At some point during my re-entry to dating I realized I too was not so different from my friend. In fact, maybe her telling me this was her way of pointing out our similarities. She is happily remarried and fully her own self now.

My daughter had an accident a little over a month ago. I stood alone at the ER. I alone held my daughter as she was put to sleep and had to be restrained by four grown adults. I alone held my writhing daughter as the anesthesia wore off and she cried from confusion and shear pain from her surgery. I was in shock on many levels but as it wore off I remember having a conversation with a friend and saying, "I don't need any "body". I don't want to be with some "body". " I finally realized my own strength and will power not only as a mother but as a woman. Too often women and maybe men (although I am not privy to their conversations), women tend to speak like we need a man. I own my own home. I own my own business. I cook, I clean, and most importantly I am a pretty good mother. My daughter's accident was a turning point in my life. It finally clicked how truly blessed I was and how truly blessed someone else would be to share in my life.

The irony is that it was right before my daughter's accident that I had gone out with Artist for the first time. I got the feeling that he was not that into me and therefore I remember just kind of letting the ball drop with regards to getting back in touch with him. It wasn't until I saw him at a dinner party and he invited me to lunch that I realized there was more there.

After spending two consecutive amazing weekends with him and relishing in being myself. My true self. Not only that but my parents and daughter being a witness to it and saying that they had missed me. I have decided to take a break from writing about my personal dating life for the time being. I want to be able to truly enjoy myself without thinking about how I could turn a situation into a blog. I just want to live it.

So I am sure I will continue to be back here writing about aspects of dating but I am not sure what direction this will be heading.... the flavor is definitely changing.... maybe like tofu.

Rules of the Game

"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." - Albert Einstein

So I came down with a nasty cold that kept me from taking a trip out of town. However, as luck would have it I think it was the best thing that could have happened. I was able to get a lot down around my house and spend some quality time with Artist. On Thursday night we stayed in, Friday night we went out for a date in the city, and Saturday we played squash and he took me to a dinner to meet his best friend. Sunday was a day filled with lots of leisure a late breakfast, tennis, lunch outdoors, followed by throwing the football around and right before my departure we looked at the calendar to make plans.

After spending 3 nights in a row with him and the fact we looked at the calendar you would think my confidence level for where this relationship is headed would be through the roof. Instead I wonder where the hell his head is. I used to consider myself a decent tennis player. He killed me. Three straight sets 6-0. In tennis, like most sports, to be really good you have to have focus, keep your eye on the ball, and never let your opponent get in your head. Relationships are similar. Generally speaking the game comes from worrying and wondering what the other person is doing and why. Or it could just be me. I tend to over-analyze. Why would he would say a certain thing, or what a certain action means and then I allow it to effect my response. Or is that what a good player does -- react to the opponent?

So herein lies the problem how can one learn the rules of the game in relationships when they are constantly shifting? It is almost as if no one is really ever playing the same game. In fact, one of my best guy friends said "Don't over-analyze. Don't look for something wrong. You always do that." Maybe he's right. I tend to size up my guys and pick them apart. Sure the Artist doesn't like to call a lot. Is it just me? Did he call old girlfriends? Maybe introducing someone he is dating to his friends isn't a big deal... you see my mind starts to analyze.

Maybe instead of looking at post-game tapes or dates in this case. I need to be on the high of a winning streak and keep doing what I am doing because right now its working. As for the rules of the game. If you know them - let me know.

March Madness... it's in the air

Basketball. "This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators." - Dick Vertleib

My dad and I picked Kansas to win in our bracket. Kansas lost - highly unexpected. There have been a lot of upsets this tournament; however, I have to admit I love it when the underdog wins. This is one of the few times I don't mind the term "cinderella story".

It got me thinking why do I choose certain teams over others? I don't always choose the team with the best stats or players but I often pick a team based on city alone or the fact I like their jerseys. I pretty much pick men the same way. So what is the right way to do it? Examine statistics? Look at past history? I have seen a basketball game get turned around in the last seconds and a top seed lose to the underdog so it just goes to show you that on any given day you never know who will win or who will lose. That should make me feel better because even with all the right information you can still get it wrong. But I have also felt the losing. It hurts.

When I watch basketball games I get excited for a 3 pointer that was shot at a time when most people would let the clock count down. That type of shot takes guts. A good block excites me too. It's all in the timing - much like relationships.

With regards to my dating life I usually sit back and let the clock tick down. I wait for phone calls. I wait for him to text or email first. I play it safe. Watching all of these underdogs defeat top seeds and take ballsy shots has lit a fire in me. I have been calling the Artist and I don't really care. The game only matters if you are set on the result but this time I'm not. Am I chasing him? Some might think so.

But the truth is I am tired of the game so I am just going to play to play - win or lose - at least I am in the game.

Fire or Water?

When hydrogen and oxygen meet depending on the environment they meet in; it can either create water or fire. If hydrogen and oxygen meet and there is a spark it causes a fire or an explosion and all the energy is lost in that second... whereas if hydrogen and oxygen meet and there is not a spark it creates water, a much stable and sustainable molecule.

Much like yoga... I tend to love fire and heat in my relationships. However, I am recognizing in my practice I build into that heat by warming my body through sun salutations. Allowing both my mind and body to get on board with the spirit.

In my relationships I tend to think if there isn't this explosion or spark that I'm in the wrong relationship. That the guy doesn't like me enough or I don't like him enough. However, that type of relationship dies so quickly. Or at least it has in the past. I have started dating an artist. He is extremely funny, handsome, mature, athletic, smart, and very talented. We have been dating on and off for about a month. (Yes he overlapped with Pony). But after each date it would always go at least a few days if not a week without any contact from him. I took this for disinterest on his part. However, now I am not so sure.

Things are starting to heat up after a slow build. He is coming over on Thursday and that will be our third date in one week. I am making him creme brulee and the irony isn't lost on me. Creme brulee has a cool consistency and then using a hot flame the top is heated just enough. It is not too far from our relationship. We are cool but consistent and there is just enough heat for interest to remain.

However, my doubts remain. I think most of us crave hot and heavy. That feeling of being wanted and needed but is it sustainable? Water is a powerful force. It can be much more powerful than fire. In addition, water is fluid it moves. Maybe it is me that needs to be a little more fluid. My expectations could be too high and I am not sure that I should make assumptions based on the amount of time he wants to spend with me or the amount of phone calls I get.

I could question this all night instead I am going to follow this proverb, "Don't empty the water jar until the rain falls."

I hope it doesn't rain.

One foot in front of the other

The past does not hold us... we hold it.

Pony is so lost. Many of friends who have weighed in have had a similar experience at some point in their lives. We have all been in his shoes. Paralyzed with fear. We feel like we can't move forward so we just do nothing. Unfortunately, by doing nothing there is something that happens and life starts to pass us by. Instead of fear of what will happen, we will have to accept that we are getting less than what we settled for.

Pony and I have been in contact while he was away. After reading some of his journal writings he emailed me I was touched by the words and impressed with his writing, but I realized that I was still enabling him to have an emotional affair. I pointed it out and he agreed. He said he thought that I didn't want to walk away because he knows I don't want to miss out on the possibility. He's right. I don't want to walk away because there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is something real, something worthy of my time. I can't say he has all the qualities I normally look for and yet I still stick around. There is something different about him. Our connection is easy, organic, and very real. However, if I don't let go than I can't move forward either.

Pony's decision is important but I can't wait for it and I shouldn't. I know that having a friendship with him is enough for now. If by chance he comes around and I am still interested then it was meant to be.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse

And They're Off

So my pony race was over before it began and I have to admit I am thankful that I didn't get too involved. I knew from the beginning I was trotting down the wrong path and luckily I was thrown off before it was too late.

Pony was supposed to come over for dinner on Wednesday night and he texted me to let me know that he wasn't going to come after all. He was still in love with his girlfriend. Oh and by the way he broke up with his girlfriend between my last post and this post... So what is that a whole 3 or so days. I am sure he has no trouble committing either to a decision or a woman - ha!

I have thought a lot about my role and I read a quote it said "I would rather have guilt than regret." It really rang true for me. There was this part of me that wanted to explore a path with the Pony. He was young, vibrant, active, and smitten. He was looking for something he had never had before and I was like the forbidden fruit. Although, I came in a very odd package for a man of 26 years - a single mom, 5 years older.

I was married already at 26 and talking about having a baby with my wasband. I remember thinking all of the same things as Pony. That I had found my love, even though I was constantly recognizing and enjoying connections with other men. I was never brave enough to walk away. I was never aware enough to realize that just because you don't know any different doesn't mean it is the right thing. I am thankful for my daughter and therefore my decision to stay with my wasband but never again will I make the same mistake. If that means I choose uncertainty over secure and comfortable, so be it.

I hope that Pony has found his soul mate. I hope that Pony is happy. It's what we all want. I am not even close to being mad at him. In fact, I am thankful for what he gave me. A tighter leaner body and more confidence than I had before I met him.

Osho wrote, "The more alive the person, the more problems there are. But there is nothing wrong in it because struggling with problems, fighting with the challenge is how you grow." Here I am on my own, still, but I stand tall. I am not sad or forlorn. I am happy and hopeful. I will not compromise my values again. Lesson learned. Thank you Pony.

Side dish? I don't think so

Lately, it seems I am choosing to make life difficult. This time I am at least aware of the thin line I walk. My pony, aka baby face, or trainer is taking a larger role than I had originally anticipated.

Sure he is everything I hoped for a reminder that I am not that old, that being a mom doesn't mean I can't still be fun, and last but not least this body can still compete with the 20 year olds. However, he unexpectly is showing signs of maturity and I think likes me for completely different reasons. He is curious as to who I am, what I think about, life, the journey; I mean he is showing signs of potential. God help me I think I am starting to like him.

But and I do mean BUT the issues I may have brushed over are a little larger than I may have even admitted to myself. He has a girlfriend. A live-in girlfriend. His heart is still with this woman in some way. Not that it wasn't already obvious when he brought over leftover crab cakes from his Valentines with her; however, I am not leftover material. Nor am I the type of woman who values a man or myself that would walk this thin line. I mean its one thing to go out with a pony but with a rider already?

So what am I doing? Am I losing sight of all the horses by hiding in some stall while he lives his real life with someone else? Or is fun and silly and going nowhere what I need? Maybe this should be the manual for all daters. Date someone who is unavailable and you know can't possibly work out and it takes out all the head drama and all you're left with is living in the moment enjoying the pleasure for what it is and not worrying about what it will be.

All of that being said... left overs or side dish? I think not. If there is one thing I am realizing through this blog is that I am way better than that...

I want to be the main and only course.

Puma. Just do it!

Plans cannot withstand the enemy as I have heard it said. I thought I had it all worked out. An older, established man that thought I hung the moon was what I was looking for. Instead it seems soon I may be holding an official puma card. I am too young to be a cougar and Baby Face is only 5 years younger so lets go with Puma. Look I am already making excuses - old habits die hard right?

So it all started off as friendly flirting, until yesterday. After a heart pumping workout session with Baby Face - yes he's my personal trainer- I received this text "Going to have to play a lot of basketball to get rid of all this sexual tension" I have to admit I was surprised and flattered all at the same time. I responded in kind and here I am back in the saddle except this time I am on a pony.

So he is younger but he seems like he has it mostly together. He has property, he is witty, he is active and he isn't afraid of a single mom. Sure he comes with a few small problems but I am sure those will work themselves out on his own.

In the wild the Puma would probably have already pounced but I am a little nervous - I have never dated anyone younger.... but it may just be one time around the carousel.

Click, wink or email?

I have been trying to figure out if online dating is really for me. It has given me some fun diversions, a few good leads, but more often than not it leaves me feeling judged.

The way it works on the particular website I subscribe to is that you can see who viewed you, winked at you and hopefully who emails you. Recently, I saw a really attractive man who viewed me and I wrote him an email. He responded. We exchanged a few emails until ultimately the last one I received he was leaving for a trip. This insane website lets you know when someone has been online... and this said man has been online several occasions and never wrote back.

So what is left... I sit here and I question was the email I responded with too forward, too desperate, am I not pretty enough, what could I have done differently? How is it that I found a way to take personally the most impersonal way of dating. Sadly we never even met so how can I take it personally? Leave it to me to find a way.

I am trying to find my place in this dating world and struggling. Putting my pictures out there and a few short lines and having someone judge me on those doesn't work for me. I am happy for those that find love but for me I can't do it anymore.

I never would have planned to be in my 30s with a daughter and trying to find love... but here I am. I listen to the words of Joseph Campbell and try to live them.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that's been waiting for us."

When down, look up

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."

I went to NYC to do some yoga with my favorite yoga teacher and kirtan band. It happened to coincide with my birthday. It felt like the perfect getaway at just the right time.

I have been bored to tears lately with my love life. Going to New York made me fall in love with myself and my yoga practice that I haven't felt for so long.

It brought me back to a place where I felt renewed, happy, and truly content. At the end of every practice I felt worked. Worked spiritually and physically.

I came home and was a little disappointed. I knew that I spoiled myself with 4 hours of yoga a day without worrying about where or what I was going to do with my little love. It is hard to make time for myself at home. Whether for dates, friends, or more importantly myself. This trip made me realize how truly essential it is to sit and be still and be happy with ourselves.

So as I sat at my kitchen table waiting for my daughter to get dropped back home I felt a sense of sadness, I felt a little down. I looked up at the beautiful new light my parents had installed for me and felt lighter already.

It reminded me when down to look up that's the only place to find light.

Not so Mr. Magnificent

Well, it seems I already cheated on myself. I had a free night because my daughter spent the night with my mom and so Mr. Magnificent called and wanted to go to a fancy dinner. I offered yoga and a more local restaurant. He agreed.

Talking to Mr. Magnificent on the phone is great but when I see him I just can't get into him. I notice that he keeps his finger nails on his right hand long because he plays classical guitar, I notice that one of his eyebrow hairs is way too long, and I notice that his bottom lip seems cracked and dry. I feel awful saying this because it all seems so superficial. Did the pictures of himself online set us up for failure? I have to admit I was expecting far more than I got.

However, I am convinced that it has more to do with his personality. During dinner he looks across the table half hour into a story that I could barely follow.

"Are you ok? Your eyes look big and are getting glazed over."

Me, "Oh really. I guess I'm just tired." Bored to tears isn't just an expression. Imagine that. The sad part is it took him half an hour to realize this. He was too busy talking about how great he is blah blah blah.

So what did I learn from this date? Cheating on myself was not worth it.

30 days of me

"No creature is fully itself till it is, like the dandelion, opened in the bloom of pure relationship to the sun, the entire living cosmos." - D.H. Lawrence

I have changed. I am not the same person I once was. I have grown up, grown masks, and grown fearful. I have enjoyed poking fun at others and myself the last few months with my dating experiences but realize now its time to get real. Would I date myself? I'm not sure.

So I am going to give it try. Sure I might amuse a few coffee dates here and there - surely I don't need to be that exclusive with myself.

I am exhausted and barely have the energy to muster for a quick conversation. Suffice it to say that after my daughter clogged the toilet with putting way too much toilet paper in it and the resulting mess that ensued, plus the tantrum she threw at a neighbors house which included hitting me that the last thing I would be tonight is "happy".

Ok so we all have our bad days no judgement here. I am pretty proud that I did use the plunger all by myself and solved the plumbing issue. At least I am industrious.....

Date one - cancelled, too tired.

Lunching with losers

I like losers. There I said it. Ahhh I feel so much better now. I like losers. God help me - I really like losers.

I am hoping to change this behavior in the new year. Last week I had a few teary conversations with my mom discussing feeling lonely over the holidays and so my mom and I sat down and went through the online selection.

She found a guy that we both could agree on. Cute. Check. Smart. Check. Financially stable. Check. I started to talk to Mr. Magnificent on the phone and I was hooked. He was brilliant, witty, quick, and deep. We have gone out three times and I the only thing I am sure of is that I am unsure about him.

Mom has tried to use reverse psychology on me "He's obviously too smart for you and will probably become disinterested soon." Even her verbal challenge didn't push me into his open arms. Don't get me wrong Mr. Magnificent might be all wrong or he might be all right.

So this frog is going to be put through a new series of challenges. I am going to take things really slow. I mean super slow. A set of rules I am hoping will protect me until his true colors come out or I can lose my loser tendencies.

I really hope that the good guy wins.