The Profile - Oh please no!

So one of my dearest friends was the catalyst of getting me online and we have had some laughs, I mean real laughs. Some of these profiles have just been too funny. Together we have created our list of the Untouchables....

1. Refers to himself in the 3rd person "Mark really loves to surf"

2. Pictures of himself wearing sunglasses indoors and/or its dark outside

3. Pictures of him wearing jean shorts or shiny shirts

4. Pictures of him without a shirt on unless he's at the beach, but even then.

5. A picture of your cat

6. More than one picture of your cat

7. More than one picture of your dog

8. Pictures of you with your ex-girlfriend, pictures of you with other women at bars, pictures of you with slutty women well anywhere

9. Pictures of your motorcycle (God forbid a vespa - please see deal breakers post)

10. Pictures of you in your car, worse yet a picture of just your car

11. Lots of pictures of places you have been, but only a few shots of you from afar

12. Pictures of you in your "dad jeans" -trust me just like mom jeans they exist

13. If you write "I work hard and play hard" - really? Do you? come on

14. Any of the above plus writing I love to travel. What you mean you don't want to stay indoors alone for the rest of you single life. Huh? That's really different!

O' Shamed!

"The only shame is to have none." - Blaise Pascal.

I have plenty of reasons to be embarrassed about my last boyfriend, Mr. O'Shamed as he is now called. I allowed myself to question and doubt who I was and my self worth because of his behavior.

I am not ashamed of the fact I dated a man who lived in West Virginia, nor based on the fact he has almost half a dozen kids, or even the fact he has bill collectors hounding him. I am ashamed that I allowed him to make me feel that I was not worthy.

I made excuses for the fact he didn't call when he said he would, I made excuses for the fact his stories seemed questionable. I made excuses for the fact he would cancel plans or arrive late. I wanted to believe him - in fact, in some ways I do believe him. He has 5 kids of course he can't call me. He lives in West Virginia of course he is late or can't make it. He is finalizing his divorce of course he has having financial difficulties.

Regardless, in the beginning of a relationship that should be when you feel like you are floating above the clouds, things are easy, and the biggest question you have is sushi or thai?

I am not ashamed to say - I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being alone over the holidays. I am afraid of losing someone I thought had potential.

My image of Mr. O'Shame was a doting father in the middle of a bad situation that was bound to turnaround. Do I think he didn't choose me? In some ways. Truth is it doesn't matter if he stopped acting the way he did in the beginning because he stopped liking me or his true colors came out. What does matter is that I no longer have anything to be O'Shamed of.

I think about the late car payments that caused bill collectors to fill his voicemail.... and then I remember this sign at a car dealership... "The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. " At least he's on his way...

Walkin on.

One Month Stand

From urban dictionary "when you see someone for a couple of weeks or months, and when it turns out that the person is really into you, you realize you have absolutely no feelings for her/him... involves terrible moral hangover and everybody thinking you as an idiot."

Well, my dad recently said to my mom that I have a string of one month stands.... In true mother like fashion she looked at me as she said this waiting for my reaction.

I laughed. I couldn't help but laugh. It was so true. Since my separation I couldn't hold down a relationship for more than a few months. Some were decisions on my end and others I had no control over.

No matter how many times it didn't work out I saw the end way before it actually took place. When Summer Breeze broke my heart I knew it wasn't right -- there was something gone, something missing... But the ego gets involved. He didn't like me, he didn't choose me... hello? Long before that decision was made questions were raised and there was already the knowledge that the relationship was doomed.

We have heard the saying life is too short... and I agree life is too short. Life is too short not to risk falling in love or giving something your all. But life is too long to live unhappy and accept the unacceptable.

So maybe that is what happens in the one month stand someone realizes that there partner is just a place holder and the need to move on is evident and why waste any more time? Or is that we have become a culture that is so used to getting everything they want that the idea of having to work at something is just too much to handle?

A pearl is formed when a potentially threatening irritant or parasite moves into the shell of a mollusk and it builds this seal, pearl, over time. A natural pearl is a very rare gem. Maybe every place holder is there to shape us into our own natural pearl. So each oyster tells its own journey through the pearl, my hope is that my place holders are the pearl to my prince charming.

"It's complicated"

Taking his relationship status from facebook "it's complicated" sums it all up.

Let me just take a moment and an entire blog post to make fun of myself.

God knows that when I dated a man with a hairy back -- the first guy I dated after my separation -- my friends wondered what in the hell I saw in him. Then there came the man who could have sold me beach front property in Kansas - I even stayed with him for a month after I found out he had a secret love child with his ex-wife's nanny. Yup you heard me right. Then came summer breeze and Lord knows from his nipple rings to his red vespa and his reputation for being a player that should have been enough for me to hang up the phone when he called for his first date. But each one of these men played a part into teaching me valid life lessons.

Ok so now there is my new boyfriend. I have been dating him for a month. He has two biological children, 3 step-children, 2 dogs, and 3 cats and he lives in West Virginia. I have several friends literally say "this is all bad news". Have I stopped dating him? nope. Do I want to stop dating him? Nope. Is there something wrong with me? More than likely.

Do I like the "it's complicated"? Do I like drama? Do I like unavailable men who I can make available? Is this a common theme just for me? I mean we all know we have heard about the chase and the man who comes in with the white horse, maybe I am the type who wants to tame stray animals.

"Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself."

Someone help!

Still believe in Santa Claus

Maybe I still want to be that kid at heart.... the one that can still believe.

I think there is a place in all of us that wants to live in a world of make believe. A place where Santa Claus does exist. A place where there are always happy endings... a place where my prince charming does exist.

These beliefs leave me very vulnerable indeed though. I met a man a little over three weeks ago. He was kind and sweet and very, very handsome. He had almost everything I was looking for - or did he? I think on some level the little girl in me wanted to believe. Wanted to believe every word he said.

Every time he gave me reason to take pause he had some excuse and I believed. Why was he always checking his phone? Work of course. Why was he hiding me from his friends? It would upset he ex.

The truth is I don't know what the truth is... but if the relationship stops feeling like a fairy tale maybe it never was.

What's the dealbreakers?

So we have all asked the question - "so what's the deal?" but maybe the question should have been "what's the dealbreakers?" instead...

Being single for over a year I have learned a few lessons along the way. My biggest mistake I think was trying to make someone fit into my life when it was clear that it was wrong from the start...

So, I have compiled a list...

What's the dealbreakers? I'll tell ya...

1. A man who borrows money from his mom and dad.... on a regular basis

2. A man who texts you more than he calls

3. A man with a secret love child... or more than one baby momma

4. A man whose only form of transportation is on two wheels but can't go over 40 mph

5. A man with two nipple rings

6. A man who lives in his ex-wife's basement

7. A man who farts on the first date

8. A man who's integrity is constantly in question

9. A man who's baggage weighs more than you

10. A man - well I guess I can leave this one up to you!

I might have met my Match

Less time... tired of the bar scene.... go online?

I had few friends find success via the online dating scene so I gave it a chance.

I was very cynical at first. I stayed on the site for 48 hours and within that time my profile was viewed by 261 people and by the end of day my blackberry battery died from the amount of attention I received. There were only a handful of men that I thought were attractive from the site and I decided to wink back at one and the next thing I knew we were meeting for coffee.

By the time we met for coffee I had already hidden my profile and decided that I was not ready for online dating. I am still unsure as to why I went through with the date, but I did.

We talked for two hours and I wanted to stay longer but I had to go get my little girl so I left. We met for dinner a few days later. The connection was obvious.

So things are still going well and we have been talking for over a week.... however, I realized that there is nothing stopping him from continuing with his online dating...

Who knows maybe it is not a match not made in heaven...

He has the runs

So went out with Mr. Toots - again.

Lets back track a little. I told you Mr. Toots was perfect on paper - good body, great job, nice house, etc. Did I mention he got his body from being an accomplished triathlete and Ironman competitor.

So our date consisted of drinks with mutual friends, a party and an overnight at his immaculate home. We had a great time at the parties but we just have zero chemistry. ZERO. My dad would love this guy - he's never touched me.

Anyhow, the next morning we woke up to go for a run. It was my first run back in almost 10 years and we ran 4.5 miles. I was so excited to be back out there and running with someone who was encouraging and experienced. Now sure, I was breathing heavy and probably red as beet and maybe not the best running mate for an accomplished athlete, but I didn't know what was about to hit me.

Mr. Toots began to pass air and I don't mean run fast... I mean fart. There was a continuous rain falling on our heads and I am certain that his farts were wetter than the ground. It was by far one of the most disgusting moments of my life.

Me, "Are you sure you didn't poop your pants."

"Um yeah... I am having a rough morning."

You think???? Good God. I like his honesty...

but its time to RUN

Something in the air

Definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"

How many times have I sat on the phone complaining about a frog - listening to a friend tell me that I can do better blah blah. As much as I pretend I don't care I do care. Why??!!!

It all comes back to the fact I am expecting different results. Someone once said to me the way things begin are usually the way they end. If a man is off to bad start most likely he won't improve. Why must we try to excuse away bad behavior or even worse accept it?

Men is it really that hard to figure out common decency when it comes to dating? More importantly do you think that if you actually tell us the truth we can't handle it? I am talking about communication here.

I am a communicator by nature. If I had something to say to my wasband I wasn't afraid of what it would look like if I picked up the phone, but nowadays - a text is just enough. Rules of who texted last, was it open ended and looking for a response? All of these rules are frustrating and tiresome. I am losing interest and patience and so are my fellow single ladies.

One girlfriend had tentative plans and the frog never responded to text. A simple "Not going to make it out" would have pleased her and more importantly no disappointment or explanation needed.

I received a text from Mr. Toots last night verbatim "Now I'm pigging out on Mexican food, needed calories!" Not sure why I needed the play by play of his evening nor do I know why he needed the exclamation point but what I do see is that he is eating mexican food.

What I should have responded with "R u sure that is a good choice given ur issues?"

Unfortunately I did not have the courage to hit send.

Dating is stinky

Initial attraction. Check. Good job. Check. Hot body. Check. Good guy. Check.

So how is it that he made onto this blog?

After a fantastic dinner and a few glasses of wine we sat down to watch a movie and cuddle. Everything was going well and then all of a sudden he jumps up and gets his stuff.

"Everything ok?" I ask

"Umm yeah. I just have to fart and I don't want to do that in front of you." Mr. Toots said with a straight face.

I look into his eyes waiting for a smile to crack and him to say "I just realized the time and I have a big day.. blah blah"

Nope. So I just say "Ok. Thanks for the information."

Well after he left I was left with a bad taste, fortunately no lingering smell though.

When it rains, it pours

"It's raining men... hallelujah!" So when it rains it pours.

You have heard it said before either feast or famine and I am certain it happens in the dating world.

There is something to be said about the level of confidence a man can give you. All it takes is one romantic interest for the confidence level to shine and men to take notice.

At the moment I find myself with multiple options and I feel great. If only we could hold to this feeling even when there are no romantic interests. The confidence isn't because one of the interests is the next "one" or at least I don't think he is... so what is it?

Hopefully, when it does dry and it always does... I can remind myself there are far too many men for a drought.

Feel good guy

We all have them - those things we do that turn our days around.

Some get pedicures, haircuts, massages, etc. I try those too. Although, recently I have added to my list my "feel good guy". You know the adorable one that you can see a movie with, snuggle on the couch with and possibly even kiss.

I recently realized that I became victim of this scenario with Summer Breeze, a man I dated towards the end of the summer. When we hung out post break-up, mixed signals were everywhere. The day we broke up he kissed me passionately. When we get together to catch up we end up in a park hugging each other.

Trying to reconcile my true feelings for him - I suddenly realized that this man was just happy to have a companion at moment, someone to fill the void. Taking stock on the way it makes me feel the next time I call my "feel good guy" I am going to think twice and maybe head to the gym.

Summer Breeze

"Summer breeze it makes me feel fine blowing through the jasmine in my mind"

Had the two most amazing dates of my life with a man I like to refer to as summer breeze. Our connection was apparent to me about a half hour into the date. We were clicking on all levels and I started to find myself drawn to this man who I had barely noticed.

The conversation was amazing and the kissing was electric - the type of words to describe my feelings were frightening. I was warned about him so I tried to contain my excitement but I was met with equal excitement from his end and just decided to proceed with caution.

After our first few dates he left for a long vacation. Over the next three weeks we communicated via text messages, emails, and a few phone calls. The intensity grew but as the days grew closer to his return my nerves started to get the best of me.

From the moment I saw him in the airport I knew it would soon be over. The dating continued for about another month but the change was obvious. We were both leaving for trips over labor day weekend.

Summer Breeze had come over after he got back in town and he let me know that the relationship was over. He kissed me passionately and left the house. I sat there a little confused by the kiss and then I hear a knock on the door. It was Summer Breeze - he's come back to tell me that he was wrong and he missed me.

Nope.

His (borrowed) car won't start. I own a hybrid so of course can't help him so I had to walk next door to facilitate in jump starting the car.

Now when people ask what happened to Summer Breeze. It's easy to explain.

"Battery died."

The doctor is out to lunch

Still kissing frogs... (well didn't kiss this one - luckily)

On my way to take my daughter to a birthday party on Saturday, I ran into a chiropractor who I had gotten a few adjustments from a year ago. I had sensed that there was an attraction there but nothing more was spoken of it, especially since I was just getting separated from my wasband. We had talked a few times about his experiences as a single parent but never in depth or outside of a professional relationship - until Saturday.

After bumping into him randomly on the sidewalk he asked me out to lunch. It was a beautiful and warm sunny afternoon and I said I wanted to eat outdoors. He took me to a restaurant right on the water. The setting was picture perfect. We were literally on a deck on the water overlooking the city skyline. The sun was shining and it was warm but not hot. Across from me sat a handsome doctor and we were sharing good conversation and a few laughs. I am lucky girl or so I thought.

Until this came out of his mouth "So I had already decided I was not going to tell you this but I feel like you can handle it. I am dating someone but it is a little crazy because she is very young."

Me - "How young?" Now mind you this man is 45 years old and looks like he is in mid 30s.

"Nineteen."

With my jaw fully dropped open and the fact we were both parents of young girls I looked at him with complete disgust and dismay. He proceeds to tell me that it is not about the sex or the catch that he really feels like they are connected, etc. In fact, he says they don't even have sex.

At this point I am trying to eat as quickly as possible to get out of there but at the same time am like a deer in headlights and can't stop asking probing questions. "What is that they have in common? What could you possibly talk about?" Oh and as it turns out the girl lives at home ...

As I sat there with a lack of words and huge panic filled eyes the only thing that left me comfort was that somehow I looked young enough to be considered worthy of his time. .... yeah this doctor was out to lunch.

NEXT!